My Mountain

I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. – Mark 11: 22-23

In small group this week we talked about this verse and how belief is important.  How we doubt this truth.

I have been thinking about what my mountain is.  I think first and foremost anxiety is my mountain.  It has shaped every aspect of my life.  It has controlled all my decisions for as long as I can remember.  It has made me feel less valuable and unloveable.  

I have been asking Jesus to help me move this mountain.  I do believe it can be done.  I have been feeling so confident the last few weeks.  I still have moments of anxiety but I am quick to tell it to go throw itself into the sea.  I have been more diligent about the words I speak to myself.  I am making sure they are loving and faith filled.

I will not forget how God sees me.  I won’t forget that I am a child of God and that he loves me.  

I no longer what to be passive about my life and my anxiety.  I want to grow and flourish in my life.  This is what. I have learned about how to do this:

1. Feed on God’s word. 

  •  Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. 
  • Ask God to feed you from his word
  • Ask God to confirm the way for you

2.  Anticipate positive results

  • Visualize the outcome you desire
  • When you step out into fear be ready to stay there for awhile, things dont always happen instantly 

3.  Initiate action toward the desired end

  • When you move God moves
  • What are the changes you need to make
  • What are your dreams for your life

4.  Train in a specific area of need

  • Learn what you want to know or change

5. Hate staying bound by your passivity

  • Ask what is keeping you from God’s best for your life?
  • Get to the point where you can’t stand where you are anymore
  • Pray for a holy hatred of the things in your life that are holding you back
  • Be sick and tired of being sick and tired
  • Have faith
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Attachment

Is it possible to want something or someone without placing the constricting bands of attachment on them and yourself?  How can we hold loosely?  As I have gotten older I have found that I want to be held loosely.  I no longer crave the crushing grip of a tight hold.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I mean that in a physical and emotional sense.  If it’s to tight I will pull away instead of leaning in.

Does it mean it’s not love if you can look at the other person and say I will not allow attachment to govern my decisions so if you don’t choose me I will still be ok.  I feel like this makes the other person automatically think that you “don’t care enough”.  How can you not be hurt if I am not in your life?  “My life would be over if you were not in it” they will say.

I find that so unappealing.  Your life will be over?  Really?  I am the only good thing in your life?  You have nothing else?

Maybe it isn’t love or maybe its just a more mature kind of love.  Maybe I have not met the person that makes me feel as if my life would be over without them.  Honestly though I dont want that.  I love my life.  It is full and I am growing everyday.  I dont ever want anyone to have the power to come in and destroy all of that in one fell swoop.  I understand pain and hurt from the loss of a love but I dont understand total destruction.

I refuse to make someone my whole universe and I don’t want to be theirs.  I want a partner that has a beautiful full life that has nothing to do with me.  I want to know that they know how to be happy without me.  I want them to love that same thing about me.