2 Things Thursday


1. Smile Breathe and go slowly – Thich Nhat Hanh 

Great advise.  This is how I am going to go through my day today.

2.  

I am about 93% done with this book and all I can say is run as fast as you can and buy it right now.  I have laughed out loud so hard reading this book.  It is hilarious and tender and smart.   I love love love it with all my heart.

Have a great day!

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5 Things Wednesday

1.  Guys, how about if being flawed is wonderfully ok?  Isn’t that at an amazing thing to ponder?  I spend so much time looking at all the ways that I am not perfect but ignore all the wonderful things that I am and that I have accomplished.  I work my tooshy off being a single mom, owning a home, having a job and trying to navigate life.  It’s not easy.  I’m tired but I am also doing it.  It’s not perfect but it’s working out just fine.

2.  Also…do you ever beat yourself up for saying something really stupid?  I do.  Sometimes the craziest shit just spews right off the vocal cords.  I say it and then I am immediately like what the hell is wrong with you?  Where did that dumb shit come from?  Then….I will think about it for a really long time and at the most inappropriate times, like from 3-5am.  Not good.  Then this dawned on me.  Have I ever been around someone else that has had the same problem, where their vocal cords take control and something really dumb comes out?  Yes I have.  Guess what?  How long did I spend thinking about it?  About 15 seconds.  I don’t have time to be thinking about their accidental dumb thing said because I am too busy thinking about my own shit.  So if I am correct here then no one is thinking about the stupid thing I said 3 months ago because they are also thinking about their own shit.  This means that I can stop ruminating about these moments now.  No one cares.  Thank God.

3. Listen to your inner voice.  I hear this a lot.  I read this a lot.  I am not sure I trust my inner voice.  It changes its mind on a dime.  Very frustrating.  This feels right, do this, say this , go here ect…  The next day:  this doesn’t feel right, that was a bad idea, why did you do that?  I am not sure that I am hearing the right inner voice.  How do people know?  Is it my ego?  I can be very impulsive.  I think I have two inner voices, the impulsive one and the real one.  The impulsive one is a pain in my ass.

4. Examine what you tolerate.  I believe that I tolerate a lot.  I can put up with a lot of bullshit for a long time and then bam out of no where one day I will just be like.  DONE.  No warning or anything.  It’s over.  I am not doing this anymore.  This can be excruciating for the other person because they are so used to you being like, “oh, it’s ok that you that you treat me like a piece of shit.  I understand that you are hurting and all of this pain gets projected onto me.  I know you don’t mean it.”  I really do mean these things when I am saying them but really people how much can a person take?  I should be giving them warning right?  “Hey just so you know,  I can take a lot of shit but this thing happens where I will wake up one day and I never no when it will happen and I won’t be able to take your shit anymore.  Just so you know, you have been warned.”  I seriously need help in the relationship area.  It’s catastrophic.

5. What would I like more of?  Peace, contentment and security.  Oh, and a little beauty thrown in every once in awhile.
Have a great day!!

3 Things Monday

1.  I’m a wreck.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.  

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Relationships
  • Work
  • Spiritually

I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.  

2. My mom is sick.  She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.

3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing.  I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be.  For the love of God, this is at the top of the list.  No more saving or trying to fix anyone.  I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.

Happy Eclipse Day!!

Some More


My anxiety has been at the for front of my life for so long.  I can’t remeber living any other way at this point.   Most of my life I have felt sorry for the people that have loved me.  It’s not easy loving someone that has anxiety attacks.  It’s hard to go for a nice relaxing drive with someone when they are on the verge of a panic attack thinking about if their will be a bridge, road construction or a traffic jam on the interstate.  Those things make me anxious.  It’s hard for me to relax.  When I was married I always felt like I was holding my husband back from enjoying his life the way he wanted because mine was so constricted and if I am honest I was.  I know that he loved me but I also know he longed for a different kind of life that was filled with trips and adventure.  I felt sorry for him for having to be married to me.  I’m single now and I am happy but I have gone through two pretty difficult relationships since my divorce.  I could hear my inner dialogue telling me this is good enough.  This guy is just as broken as you if not more so it’s ok.  This is the type of person you should be with.  I am not saying these guys were bad people they just had a whole bunch of their own issues.  It seemed like a level playing field.  

As I read that it breaks my heart.  They deserve better and so do I.  

Can a person with panic and anxiety be truly loved?   Can you share your life with someone when you have panic and anxiety?  How do you be ok with placing that kind of burden on someone else’s life as you become a couple?

I dont ever want to be responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.  I dont ever want my anxiety problems to hold someone else back.  

Life is hard.  Life is beautiful.

Panic

I have panic attacks.

I had my first panic attack when I was 5. I have felt shame and embarrassment my entire life because of them. So now 40 years later I am done feeling shame. Having a panic attack in public sucks. I have had people give me dirty looks, look at me like I am crazy and basically treat me really crappy. I have also had strangers hold my hand and give me hugs. I have received unspoken glances of “I understand.” Having panic may not look like anything to someone that has never experienced it but if you have had panic attacks you know what it is when someone is acting just a little bit off.

 I had a panic attack on a bus once. I was in the middle of the bus and I stood up to get off but no one was moving. I was trapped in a sea of people. I started to shake and I couldn’t breathe. The lady sitting next to me tried to help and asked the lady in front of us to let me through and the lady said “No, she can wait like everybody else.” I was so embarrassed and horrified. I sat down, still panicking with my heart racing and cried. That is just one story of many that I have but I remember once I got off of that bus I felt so relieved but so awful about myself. I went and stood alone for a few minutes and just prayed asking God to please make me like everyone else. Please make it go away. I just wanted to be normal.

I have seen therapists, doctors and tried numerous medications. I still have panic attacks. My panic attacks are very situational. I know what will cause them. I used to have them come out of the blue but that rarely happens anymore.

I have many theories why this is part of my life and I am not going to talk about those now but I do know that because of my panic attacks I am much more compassionate than I would be if I didn’t have them. I certainly don’t think I am living as full of a life as I could if I didn’t have them but I am living a life and it’s a good one. I am happy and I love deeply.

My panic disorder does not define me. I am still a functioning adult. I don’t always feel comfortable in social situations but I do the best I can. There are lots of things I would like to do but sometimes I can’t. I am no longer beating myself up for that. It’s ok. I am not giving up but I am going to step back and stop trying so hard. Trying to be “normal”. Trying to be “adventurous”. Trying, trying, trying….

I am just fine, right now, in this moment and in the next. There is a lot of stigma about anxiety and panic disorders. I bought into every bit of it. I have lived my whole life that way. I just don’t want to anymore. I want to enjoy my life.

If you know or love someone that has problems with anxiety please be gentle with them. Let them know that their anxiety is a just a very small part of who they are and that they are beautifully made exactly as they are. There is nothing wrong with them.