3 Things Monday

1.  I’m a wreck.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.  

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Relationships
  • Work
  • Spiritually

I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.  

2. My mom is sick.  She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.

3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing.  I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be.  For the love of God, this is at the top of the list.  No more saving or trying to fix anyone.  I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.

Happy Eclipse Day!!

Let me fix that

If a man calls you a f***ing slut because you won’t see him anymore it is perfectly fine to cut all ties.

This is something that most all women know but that I am slowly learning at the ripe old age of 45.  When someone says something like that to me these are my first thoughts:

  • He’s just angry he doesn’t mean it
  • You have hurt him, what do you expect?
  • I feel so bad for him

Do you all see anything wrong with those thoughts?  Why am I just not furious?  Why do I feel bad for him?  It’s not normal.

I fall in love with men that “need” me.  They have problems. They have issues. They need me to fix it all and make it better.  You bet your happy ass I go in there on a mission and I will fix it all.  I will give away my time, my love, my money without a second thought.  

They will treat me like shit and I will try harder. I want so badly for them to be happy but their not.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I keep trying and they keep being shitty and then at some point I stop.  I stop caring, giving and loving. 

When I stop they get pissed.  Now I am crazy or I don’t know how to forgive or their must be something wrong with me.  I should feel guilty for being such a massive bitch and leaving this guy and I do.  The guilt is big,  it really kills me.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain.  I am the fixer, remember.  I do good not bad.  

I am currently on sabbatical from men because I suck at being in relationships.  I refuse to do it again until I know I can behave like the gown adult that I am. I need to learn boundaries and the word no or even better how about if I just mind my own fuucking business.  There is no need for me to run in and clean up a mess that someone else created.  

Here is the lesson.  These men don’t need me.  They have survived for years before I came along and they will be just fine without me.  In fact all of this bullshit about how badly they need me is just me feeding some vacant hole within myself.  

I want a partner.  I don’t want to be the parent or the fixer or any of that.  I want someone that can love me but also be just fine without me because they have a life and they love themselves.  

Attachment

Is it possible to want something or someone without placing the constricting bands of attachment on them and yourself?  How can we hold loosely?  As I have gotten older I have found that I want to be held loosely.  I no longer crave the crushing grip of a tight hold.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I mean that in a physical and emotional sense.  If it’s to tight I will pull away instead of leaning in.

Does it mean it’s not love if you can look at the other person and say I will not allow attachment to govern my decisions so if you don’t choose me I will still be ok.  I feel like this makes the other person automatically think that you “don’t care enough”.  How can you not be hurt if I am not in your life?  “My life would be over if you were not in it” they will say.

I find that so unappealing.  Your life will be over?  Really?  I am the only good thing in your life?  You have nothing else?

Maybe it isn’t love or maybe its just a more mature kind of love.  Maybe I have not met the person that makes me feel as if my life would be over without them.  Honestly though I dont want that.  I love my life.  It is full and I am growing everyday.  I dont ever want anyone to have the power to come in and destroy all of that in one fell swoop.  I understand pain and hurt from the loss of a love but I dont understand total destruction.

I refuse to make someone my whole universe and I don’t want to be theirs.  I want a partner that has a beautiful full life that has nothing to do with me.  I want to know that they know how to be happy without me.  I want them to love that same thing about me.

Some More


My anxiety has been at the for front of my life for so long.  I can’t remeber living any other way at this point.   Most of my life I have felt sorry for the people that have loved me.  It’s not easy loving someone that has anxiety attacks.  It’s hard to go for a nice relaxing drive with someone when they are on the verge of a panic attack thinking about if their will be a bridge, road construction or a traffic jam on the interstate.  Those things make me anxious.  It’s hard for me to relax.  When I was married I always felt like I was holding my husband back from enjoying his life the way he wanted because mine was so constricted and if I am honest I was.  I know that he loved me but I also know he longed for a different kind of life that was filled with trips and adventure.  I felt sorry for him for having to be married to me.  I’m single now and I am happy but I have gone through two pretty difficult relationships since my divorce.  I could hear my inner dialogue telling me this is good enough.  This guy is just as broken as you if not more so it’s ok.  This is the type of person you should be with.  I am not saying these guys were bad people they just had a whole bunch of their own issues.  It seemed like a level playing field.  

As I read that it breaks my heart.  They deserve better and so do I.  

Can a person with panic and anxiety be truly loved?   Can you share your life with someone when you have panic and anxiety?  How do you be ok with placing that kind of burden on someone else’s life as you become a couple?

I dont ever want to be responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.  I dont ever want my anxiety problems to hold someone else back.  

Life is hard.  Life is beautiful.