3 Things Monday

1.  I’m a wreck.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.  

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Relationships
  • Work
  • Spiritually

I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.  

2. My mom is sick.  She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.

3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing.  I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be.  For the love of God, this is at the top of the list.  No more saving or trying to fix anyone.  I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.

Happy Eclipse Day!!

Attachment

Is it possible to want something or someone without placing the constricting bands of attachment on them and yourself?  How can we hold loosely?  As I have gotten older I have found that I want to be held loosely.  I no longer crave the crushing grip of a tight hold.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I mean that in a physical and emotional sense.  If it’s to tight I will pull away instead of leaning in.

Does it mean it’s not love if you can look at the other person and say I will not allow attachment to govern my decisions so if you don’t choose me I will still be ok.  I feel like this makes the other person automatically think that you “don’t care enough”.  How can you not be hurt if I am not in your life?  “My life would be over if you were not in it” they will say.

I find that so unappealing.  Your life will be over?  Really?  I am the only good thing in your life?  You have nothing else?

Maybe it isn’t love or maybe its just a more mature kind of love.  Maybe I have not met the person that makes me feel as if my life would be over without them.  Honestly though I dont want that.  I love my life.  It is full and I am growing everyday.  I dont ever want anyone to have the power to come in and destroy all of that in one fell swoop.  I understand pain and hurt from the loss of a love but I dont understand total destruction.

I refuse to make someone my whole universe and I don’t want to be theirs.  I want a partner that has a beautiful full life that has nothing to do with me.  I want to know that they know how to be happy without me.  I want them to love that same thing about me.