My Mountain

I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. – Mark 11: 22-23

In small group this week we talked about this verse and how belief is important.  How we doubt this truth.

I have been thinking about what my mountain is.  I think first and foremost anxiety is my mountain.  It has shaped every aspect of my life.  It has controlled all my decisions for as long as I can remember.  It has made me feel less valuable and unloveable.  

I have been asking Jesus to help me move this mountain.  I do believe it can be done.  I have been feeling so confident the last few weeks.  I still have moments of anxiety but I am quick to tell it to go throw itself into the sea.  I have been more diligent about the words I speak to myself.  I am making sure they are loving and faith filled.

I will not forget how God sees me.  I won’t forget that I am a child of God and that he loves me.  

I no longer what to be passive about my life and my anxiety.  I want to grow and flourish in my life.  This is what. I have learned about how to do this:

1. Feed on God’s word. 

  •  Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. 
  • Ask God to feed you from his word
  • Ask God to confirm the way for you

2.  Anticipate positive results

  • Visualize the outcome you desire
  • When you step out into fear be ready to stay there for awhile, things dont always happen instantly 

3.  Initiate action toward the desired end

  • When you move God moves
  • What are the changes you need to make
  • What are your dreams for your life

4.  Train in a specific area of need

  • Learn what you want to know or change

5. Hate staying bound by your passivity

  • Ask what is keeping you from God’s best for your life?
  • Get to the point where you can’t stand where you are anymore
  • Pray for a holy hatred of the things in your life that are holding you back
  • Be sick and tired of being sick and tired
  • Have faith
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Change the way you think

The Bible has a lot to say about the way you think and I had no idea about any of that.  This is what I have learned.

1. Your responsible for your thoughts

  • Are you going to believe God’s promises for your life?
  • Are you going to continue to entertain your negative and fearful thoughts?

2. What you think about is what you get.

  • You will reap in accordance with the thoughts you think
  • Thinking shapes  your feelings and actions
  • Guilt and fear will sabatage you
  • What thoughts are creating turmoil in your life?

3. You can change your life by changing your thoughts

  • Your thoughts should be :
  • True
  • Noble
  • Right
  • Pure
  • Lovely
  • Admirable
  • Excellent
  • Praiseworthy

4. If you want God’s best you MUST take authority over your thoughts.

  • The moment you catch yourself in a negative thought,yield to Jesus and surrender it to him

Guys,  I love all of this so much!!  This can be done.  I have been doing it.  

Have a blessed day all!

A Page from my Journal

I find it really interestesting to go back and read my old journals.  It really helps me to see where I was and what I have improved upon and where I still need to do some work.  Here is my entry from:
December 14, 2016

I have attachment issues? Yes that is a question. I might. I am on a journey. I want to stop focusing so much on happiness and move toward being fulfilled. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. It isn’t something that stays 24 hours a day. Fulfillment though, that can happen.

I say yes a lot when I really mean no. I think this comes from being raised in a home with drinkers. When you are a child and you are also the fixer you become an adult people pleaser. At least I did. What if I started asking myself these two questions. Am I able to? Do I want to? It is ok for me to say no. I am learning.

I have to hold myself accountable for my own fulfillment and focus on what I want and need. I want to be one of those people that doesn’t speak badly to themselves. Talk to yourself like you would a child, they say. It sounds so easy. It is not, trust me. I will work on this.

My house is an absolute cluttered disaster . It’s messy and I can’t seem to keep it clean. Yes I have two kids still at home but they are older and it shouldn’t be like this. I want my home to be a haven for me. A place I want to be because it is so beautiful and relaxing. That sounds so amazing. I am working on this too.

So…that was Dec 14.  Less then a year ago. A couple of things since this that have happened.

I am no longer talking badly or negatively to myself.  I mean it happens unconsciously but I am so much more aware of this.

My cluttered house got a big make over this summer.  I got rid of so many things.  There is still a long way to go but I did make some really good progress!
Happy Tuesday!!

The Shower

Hey guys,

I have a trip coming up with some family and trips always cause me anxiety. The travel, the elevators, the taxis and so on.  I always do ok but there is a lot of anxiety leading up to it.  So….I’m in the shower this morning just minding my own business, washing my hair and snap all the sudden my neck is in a crink.  Almost instantaneously I hear the word “STOP”

I knew immediately that this was no coincidence.  I have been learning in church for 4 weeks now about how the power of our words and thoughts influences our lives.  I was standing there washing my hair thinking about how I would navigate the elevators and the taxis, worrying and fretting.  

So I did stop.  I stopped worrying and thinking about it because I don’t need to.  I had just momentarily forgot that I am a child of God.  He is with me and he is going to always be with me because he loves me.  

My thoughts should be on all things that are good, pure, noble and true.  I have a long post to write about this and I will later.

Satan sneaks in on our thoughts without us even noticing.  It has been happening to me all of my 46 years and I am just now becoming aware of it.  

I thank the Holy Spirit for being there with me this morning, to alert me to the fact that I am not going to live that way anymore.  A reminder.  I am feeling so blessed and grateful today.  My neck is fine by the way, not even the littlest of aches.  
Have a blessed day all!!

3 Things Monday


1.  Church yesterday was baptism day.  It’s my favorite.  I can’t properly explain what it does to my heart to see these people make the decision to be baptized.  It’s glorious and it fills me with such hope and happiness. 

2.  Have you ever just stopped and asked yourself what matters to me?  What do I value?  What does my ideal life look like in my mind?

3.  Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  Examine your thoughts especially the ones that bring you down.
Happy Monday!

2 Things Thursday


1. Smile Breathe and go slowly – Thich Nhat Hanh 

Great advise.  This is how I am going to go through my day today.

2.  

I am about 93% done with this book and all I can say is run as fast as you can and buy it right now.  I have laughed out loud so hard reading this book.  It is hilarious and tender and smart.   I love love love it with all my heart.

Have a great day!

5 Things Wednesday

1.  Guys, how about if being flawed is wonderfully ok?  Isn’t that at an amazing thing to ponder?  I spend so much time looking at all the ways that I am not perfect but ignore all the wonderful things that I am and that I have accomplished.  I work my tooshy off being a single mom, owning a home, having a job and trying to navigate life.  It’s not easy.  I’m tired but I am also doing it.  It’s not perfect but it’s working out just fine.

2.  Also…do you ever beat yourself up for saying something really stupid?  I do.  Sometimes the craziest shit just spews right off the vocal cords.  I say it and then I am immediately like what the hell is wrong with you?  Where did that dumb shit come from?  Then….I will think about it for a really long time and at the most inappropriate times, like from 3-5am.  Not good.  Then this dawned on me.  Have I ever been around someone else that has had the same problem, where their vocal cords take control and something really dumb comes out?  Yes I have.  Guess what?  How long did I spend thinking about it?  About 15 seconds.  I don’t have time to be thinking about their accidental dumb thing said because I am too busy thinking about my own shit.  So if I am correct here then no one is thinking about the stupid thing I said 3 months ago because they are also thinking about their own shit.  This means that I can stop ruminating about these moments now.  No one cares.  Thank God.

3. Listen to your inner voice.  I hear this a lot.  I read this a lot.  I am not sure I trust my inner voice.  It changes its mind on a dime.  Very frustrating.  This feels right, do this, say this , go here ect…  The next day:  this doesn’t feel right, that was a bad idea, why did you do that?  I am not sure that I am hearing the right inner voice.  How do people know?  Is it my ego?  I can be very impulsive.  I think I have two inner voices, the impulsive one and the real one.  The impulsive one is a pain in my ass.

4. Examine what you tolerate.  I believe that I tolerate a lot.  I can put up with a lot of bullshit for a long time and then bam out of no where one day I will just be like.  DONE.  No warning or anything.  It’s over.  I am not doing this anymore.  This can be excruciating for the other person because they are so used to you being like, “oh, it’s ok that you that you treat me like a piece of shit.  I understand that you are hurting and all of this pain gets projected onto me.  I know you don’t mean it.”  I really do mean these things when I am saying them but really people how much can a person take?  I should be giving them warning right?  “Hey just so you know,  I can take a lot of shit but this thing happens where I will wake up one day and I never no when it will happen and I won’t be able to take your shit anymore.  Just so you know, you have been warned.”  I seriously need help in the relationship area.  It’s catastrophic.

5. What would I like more of?  Peace, contentment and security.  Oh, and a little beauty thrown in every once in awhile.
Have a great day!!

4 Things Tuesday


1.  I meditated three times yesterday.  3 minutes each time.  I did this the three times I went to the bathroom at work yesterday. After peeing and washing my hands I sat down on the dirty floor and set the timer on my phone for three minutes and then just breathed.  It’s a start.

2.  I am trying to just let life unfold and see what happens.  I push a lot and I am ok with that sometimes but I also think I push to much.  I want to practice just allowing for awhile.  Will things really come to me if I am not fighting for them?  Can I just relax a little?

3.  Whatever you give to life it gives it back to you.  This statement scares me because just trying to think about what I am putting out into the world hurts my brain.  What am I giving to life?    I need to figure this out.

4.  Life is short and honestly I just want to enjoy it.  I want to notice all the beauty and wonder of it all.  I want to savor and cherish every tiny moment of grace.  I know how blessed I am.  I have beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful family and all the nessicities to survive.  Outwardly its all good.  The stuff that is troubling is whats going on on the inside.  In my heart.   Peace is missing.  Belief in myself is missing.  My mind races from one task to the next.  Peace…..

April 4

  • Start small and repeat – best way to make changes
  • Hope really matters
  • “Life’s to short to be an asshole”. – Louis CK
  • Don’t apologize for who you are and what you love
  • Indulge in your curiosities 
  • Always trust your gut
  • It’s ok to let people down sometimes, your human