Goliath

Goliath Must Fall by Louie Giglio Guys this book is just tremendous, stupendous and better than chocolate cake. I don’t know where to begin but if you are facing a giant in your life weather it be addiction or anger or anxiety or some other tormentor please read this book. It’s pure joy and love!Some notes I took:

  • It’s important to talk about your giant with a group of trusted people.. confess it don’t conceal it
  • We don’t have to fight with the giant.. Jesus is bigger than the giant
  • When you believe that Jesus is bigger than whatever your facing it will start to change you.
  • The giants can taunt us but Jesus always has the ultimate power

My giant has always been fear, anxiety and panic disorder. I have been fighting and battling it for so long and I know that it has kept me from being the person I am meant to be. It’s changing though and it’s all Jesus. I am praying and reading and learning and the more I do the closer he comes and the stronger I feel. Fear can not stand in the face of Jesus. I didn’t know this before but I do now and it changes everything!!

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My Mountain

I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. – Mark 11: 22-23

In small group this week we talked about this verse and how belief is important.  How we doubt this truth.

I have been thinking about what my mountain is.  I think first and foremost anxiety is my mountain.  It has shaped every aspect of my life.  It has controlled all my decisions for as long as I can remember.  It has made me feel less valuable and unloveable.  

I have been asking Jesus to help me move this mountain.  I do believe it can be done.  I have been feeling so confident the last few weeks.  I still have moments of anxiety but I am quick to tell it to go throw itself into the sea.  I have been more diligent about the words I speak to myself.  I am making sure they are loving and faith filled.

I will not forget how God sees me.  I won’t forget that I am a child of God and that he loves me.  

I no longer what to be passive about my life and my anxiety.  I want to grow and flourish in my life.  This is what. I have learned about how to do this:

1. Feed on God’s word. 

  •  Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. 
  • Ask God to feed you from his word
  • Ask God to confirm the way for you

2.  Anticipate positive results

  • Visualize the outcome you desire
  • When you step out into fear be ready to stay there for awhile, things dont always happen instantly 

3.  Initiate action toward the desired end

  • When you move God moves
  • What are the changes you need to make
  • What are your dreams for your life

4.  Train in a specific area of need

  • Learn what you want to know or change

5. Hate staying bound by your passivity

  • Ask what is keeping you from God’s best for your life?
  • Get to the point where you can’t stand where you are anymore
  • Pray for a holy hatred of the things in your life that are holding you back
  • Be sick and tired of being sick and tired
  • Have faith

5 Things Wednesday

1.  Guys, how about if being flawed is wonderfully ok?  Isn’t that at an amazing thing to ponder?  I spend so much time looking at all the ways that I am not perfect but ignore all the wonderful things that I am and that I have accomplished.  I work my tooshy off being a single mom, owning a home, having a job and trying to navigate life.  It’s not easy.  I’m tired but I am also doing it.  It’s not perfect but it’s working out just fine.

2.  Also…do you ever beat yourself up for saying something really stupid?  I do.  Sometimes the craziest shit just spews right off the vocal cords.  I say it and then I am immediately like what the hell is wrong with you?  Where did that dumb shit come from?  Then….I will think about it for a really long time and at the most inappropriate times, like from 3-5am.  Not good.  Then this dawned on me.  Have I ever been around someone else that has had the same problem, where their vocal cords take control and something really dumb comes out?  Yes I have.  Guess what?  How long did I spend thinking about it?  About 15 seconds.  I don’t have time to be thinking about their accidental dumb thing said because I am too busy thinking about my own shit.  So if I am correct here then no one is thinking about the stupid thing I said 3 months ago because they are also thinking about their own shit.  This means that I can stop ruminating about these moments now.  No one cares.  Thank God.

3. Listen to your inner voice.  I hear this a lot.  I read this a lot.  I am not sure I trust my inner voice.  It changes its mind on a dime.  Very frustrating.  This feels right, do this, say this , go here ect…  The next day:  this doesn’t feel right, that was a bad idea, why did you do that?  I am not sure that I am hearing the right inner voice.  How do people know?  Is it my ego?  I can be very impulsive.  I think I have two inner voices, the impulsive one and the real one.  The impulsive one is a pain in my ass.

4. Examine what you tolerate.  I believe that I tolerate a lot.  I can put up with a lot of bullshit for a long time and then bam out of no where one day I will just be like.  DONE.  No warning or anything.  It’s over.  I am not doing this anymore.  This can be excruciating for the other person because they are so used to you being like, “oh, it’s ok that you that you treat me like a piece of shit.  I understand that you are hurting and all of this pain gets projected onto me.  I know you don’t mean it.”  I really do mean these things when I am saying them but really people how much can a person take?  I should be giving them warning right?  “Hey just so you know,  I can take a lot of shit but this thing happens where I will wake up one day and I never no when it will happen and I won’t be able to take your shit anymore.  Just so you know, you have been warned.”  I seriously need help in the relationship area.  It’s catastrophic.

5. What would I like more of?  Peace, contentment and security.  Oh, and a little beauty thrown in every once in awhile.
Have a great day!!

4 Things Tuesday


1.  I meditated three times yesterday.  3 minutes each time.  I did this the three times I went to the bathroom at work yesterday. After peeing and washing my hands I sat down on the dirty floor and set the timer on my phone for three minutes and then just breathed.  It’s a start.

2.  I am trying to just let life unfold and see what happens.  I push a lot and I am ok with that sometimes but I also think I push to much.  I want to practice just allowing for awhile.  Will things really come to me if I am not fighting for them?  Can I just relax a little?

3.  Whatever you give to life it gives it back to you.  This statement scares me because just trying to think about what I am putting out into the world hurts my brain.  What am I giving to life?    I need to figure this out.

4.  Life is short and honestly I just want to enjoy it.  I want to notice all the beauty and wonder of it all.  I want to savor and cherish every tiny moment of grace.  I know how blessed I am.  I have beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful family and all the nessicities to survive.  Outwardly its all good.  The stuff that is troubling is whats going on on the inside.  In my heart.   Peace is missing.  Belief in myself is missing.  My mind races from one task to the next.  Peace…..

Some More


My anxiety has been at the for front of my life for so long.  I can’t remeber living any other way at this point.   Most of my life I have felt sorry for the people that have loved me.  It’s not easy loving someone that has anxiety attacks.  It’s hard to go for a nice relaxing drive with someone when they are on the verge of a panic attack thinking about if their will be a bridge, road construction or a traffic jam on the interstate.  Those things make me anxious.  It’s hard for me to relax.  When I was married I always felt like I was holding my husband back from enjoying his life the way he wanted because mine was so constricted and if I am honest I was.  I know that he loved me but I also know he longed for a different kind of life that was filled with trips and adventure.  I felt sorry for him for having to be married to me.  I’m single now and I am happy but I have gone through two pretty difficult relationships since my divorce.  I could hear my inner dialogue telling me this is good enough.  This guy is just as broken as you if not more so it’s ok.  This is the type of person you should be with.  I am not saying these guys were bad people they just had a whole bunch of their own issues.  It seemed like a level playing field.  

As I read that it breaks my heart.  They deserve better and so do I.  

Can a person with panic and anxiety be truly loved?   Can you share your life with someone when you have panic and anxiety?  How do you be ok with placing that kind of burden on someone else’s life as you become a couple?

I dont ever want to be responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.  I dont ever want my anxiety problems to hold someone else back.  

Life is hard.  Life is beautiful.

Panic

I have panic attacks.

I had my first panic attack when I was 5. I have felt shame and embarrassment my entire life because of them. So now 40 years later I am done feeling shame. Having a panic attack in public sucks. I have had people give me dirty looks, look at me like I am crazy and basically treat me really crappy. I have also had strangers hold my hand and give me hugs. I have received unspoken glances of “I understand.” Having panic may not look like anything to someone that has never experienced it but if you have had panic attacks you know what it is when someone is acting just a little bit off.

 I had a panic attack on a bus once. I was in the middle of the bus and I stood up to get off but no one was moving. I was trapped in a sea of people. I started to shake and I couldn’t breathe. The lady sitting next to me tried to help and asked the lady in front of us to let me through and the lady said “No, she can wait like everybody else.” I was so embarrassed and horrified. I sat down, still panicking with my heart racing and cried. That is just one story of many that I have but I remember once I got off of that bus I felt so relieved but so awful about myself. I went and stood alone for a few minutes and just prayed asking God to please make me like everyone else. Please make it go away. I just wanted to be normal.

I have seen therapists, doctors and tried numerous medications. I still have panic attacks. My panic attacks are very situational. I know what will cause them. I used to have them come out of the blue but that rarely happens anymore.

I have many theories why this is part of my life and I am not going to talk about those now but I do know that because of my panic attacks I am much more compassionate than I would be if I didn’t have them. I certainly don’t think I am living as full of a life as I could if I didn’t have them but I am living a life and it’s a good one. I am happy and I love deeply.

My panic disorder does not define me. I am still a functioning adult. I don’t always feel comfortable in social situations but I do the best I can. There are lots of things I would like to do but sometimes I can’t. I am no longer beating myself up for that. It’s ok. I am not giving up but I am going to step back and stop trying so hard. Trying to be “normal”. Trying to be “adventurous”. Trying, trying, trying….

I am just fine, right now, in this moment and in the next. There is a lot of stigma about anxiety and panic disorders. I bought into every bit of it. I have lived my whole life that way. I just don’t want to anymore. I want to enjoy my life.

If you know or love someone that has problems with anxiety please be gentle with them. Let them know that their anxiety is a just a very small part of who they are and that they are beautifully made exactly as they are. There is nothing wrong with them.

Not This

not this

Scrolling aimlessly through Facebook one day I come across the above.  Elizabeth Gilbert is one of my most favorite people ever and she never stops talking to me.  That is how I feel about her.  I know that she is not specifically talking to me but it almost always feels like she is.  I read the passage and then I read it about 10 more times and then I started to feel sick.  My stomach was upset and I was sweating with tingly fingers.  I know this feeling.  It’s anxiety.  This article hit me hard.  It is my truth, I know that.  I have been trying to figure out a way to live the life of my dreams for a long time now but I just can’t seem to do it.  I have no plan B.  I only have this one job, that pays the bills but is certainly not feeding my soul.  My longing for a different kind of life is so palpable that it consumes almost every thought I have all day long.  It has become a living thing as far as I’m concerned.  It’s a part of me.  Almost the biggest part of me at this point.  I made a plea to God this morning to open a door or give me a sign to show me what to do because I honestly don’t know.  I’m scared that I’ll die without every having had the chance to live my dream.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want to look at God and say I know , I know, it was right there and I did nothing with it. I am certain about just a few things in my life, all else is a “Not This”.  God gave me three very deep passions which when I am doing them I am at peace.  I just can’t ask for anything more then that.  To do what I love and be at peace in my life.  Shouldn’t we all be able to live that way?  It sounds so easy but we all know that it’s not.