Some More


My anxiety has been at the for front of my life for so long.  I can’t remeber living any other way at this point.   Most of my life I have felt sorry for the people that have loved me.  It’s not easy loving someone that has anxiety attacks.  It’s hard to go for a nice relaxing drive with someone when they are on the verge of a panic attack thinking about if their will be a bridge, road construction or a traffic jam on the interstate.  Those things make me anxious.  It’s hard for me to relax.  When I was married I always felt like I was holding my husband back from enjoying his life the way he wanted because mine was so constricted and if I am honest I was.  I know that he loved me but I also know he longed for a different kind of life that was filled with trips and adventure.  I felt sorry for him for having to be married to me.  I’m single now and I am happy but I have gone through two pretty difficult relationships since my divorce.  I could hear my inner dialogue telling me this is good enough.  This guy is just as broken as you if not more so it’s ok.  This is the type of person you should be with.  I am not saying these guys were bad people they just had a whole bunch of their own issues.  It seemed like a level playing field.  

As I read that it breaks my heart.  They deserve better and so do I.  

Can a person with panic and anxiety be truly loved?   Can you share your life with someone when you have panic and anxiety?  How do you be ok with placing that kind of burden on someone else’s life as you become a couple?

I dont ever want to be responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.  I dont ever want my anxiety problems to hold someone else back.  

Life is hard.  Life is beautiful.

Panic

I have panic attacks.

I had my first panic attack when I was 5. I have felt shame and embarrassment my entire life because of them. So now 40 years later I am done feeling shame. Having a panic attack in public sucks. I have had people give me dirty looks, look at me like I am crazy and basically treat me really crappy. I have also had strangers hold my hand and give me hugs. I have received unspoken glances of “I understand.” Having panic may not look like anything to someone that has never experienced it but if you have had panic attacks you know what it is when someone is acting just a little bit off.

 I had a panic attack on a bus once. I was in the middle of the bus and I stood up to get off but no one was moving. I was trapped in a sea of people. I started to shake and I couldn’t breathe. The lady sitting next to me tried to help and asked the lady in front of us to let me through and the lady said “No, she can wait like everybody else.” I was so embarrassed and horrified. I sat down, still panicking with my heart racing and cried. That is just one story of many that I have but I remember once I got off of that bus I felt so relieved but so awful about myself. I went and stood alone for a few minutes and just prayed asking God to please make me like everyone else. Please make it go away. I just wanted to be normal.

I have seen therapists, doctors and tried numerous medications. I still have panic attacks. My panic attacks are very situational. I know what will cause them. I used to have them come out of the blue but that rarely happens anymore.

I have many theories why this is part of my life and I am not going to talk about those now but I do know that because of my panic attacks I am much more compassionate than I would be if I didn’t have them. I certainly don’t think I am living as full of a life as I could if I didn’t have them but I am living a life and it’s a good one. I am happy and I love deeply.

My panic disorder does not define me. I am still a functioning adult. I don’t always feel comfortable in social situations but I do the best I can. There are lots of things I would like to do but sometimes I can’t. I am no longer beating myself up for that. It’s ok. I am not giving up but I am going to step back and stop trying so hard. Trying to be “normal”. Trying to be “adventurous”. Trying, trying, trying….

I am just fine, right now, in this moment and in the next. There is a lot of stigma about anxiety and panic disorders. I bought into every bit of it. I have lived my whole life that way. I just don’t want to anymore. I want to enjoy my life.

If you know or love someone that has problems with anxiety please be gentle with them. Let them know that their anxiety is a just a very small part of who they are and that they are beautifully made exactly as they are. There is nothing wrong with them.

Not This

not this

Scrolling aimlessly through Facebook one day I come across the above.  Elizabeth Gilbert is one of my most favorite people ever and she never stops talking to me.  That is how I feel about her.  I know that she is not specifically talking to me but it almost always feels like she is.  I read the passage and then I read it about 10 more times and then I started to feel sick.  My stomach was upset and I was sweating with tingly fingers.  I know this feeling.  It’s anxiety.  This article hit me hard.  It is my truth, I know that.  I have been trying to figure out a way to live the life of my dreams for a long time now but I just can’t seem to do it.  I have no plan B.  I only have this one job, that pays the bills but is certainly not feeding my soul.  My longing for a different kind of life is so palpable that it consumes almost every thought I have all day long.  It has become a living thing as far as I’m concerned.  It’s a part of me.  Almost the biggest part of me at this point.  I made a plea to God this morning to open a door or give me a sign to show me what to do because I honestly don’t know.  I’m scared that I’ll die without every having had the chance to live my dream.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want to look at God and say I know , I know, it was right there and I did nothing with it. I am certain about just a few things in my life, all else is a “Not This”.  God gave me three very deep passions which when I am doing them I am at peace.  I just can’t ask for anything more then that.  To do what I love and be at peace in my life.  Shouldn’t we all be able to live that way?  It sounds so easy but we all know that it’s not.