3 Things Monday

1.  I’m a wreck.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.  

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Relationships
  • Work
  • Spiritually

I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.  

2. My mom is sick.  She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.

3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing.  I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be.  For the love of God, this is at the top of the list.  No more saving or trying to fix anyone.  I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.

Happy Eclipse Day!!

Let me fix that

If a man calls you a f***ing slut because you won’t see him anymore it is perfectly fine to cut all ties.

This is something that most all women know but that I am slowly learning at the ripe old age of 45.  When someone says something like that to me these are my first thoughts:

  • He’s just angry he doesn’t mean it
  • You have hurt him, what do you expect?
  • I feel so bad for him

Do you all see anything wrong with those thoughts?  Why am I just not furious?  Why do I feel bad for him?  It’s not normal.

I fall in love with men that “need” me.  They have problems. They have issues. They need me to fix it all and make it better.  You bet your happy ass I go in there on a mission and I will fix it all.  I will give away my time, my love, my money without a second thought.  

They will treat me like shit and I will try harder. I want so badly for them to be happy but their not.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I keep trying and they keep being shitty and then at some point I stop.  I stop caring, giving and loving. 

When I stop they get pissed.  Now I am crazy or I don’t know how to forgive or their must be something wrong with me.  I should feel guilty for being such a massive bitch and leaving this guy and I do.  The guilt is big,  it really kills me.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain.  I am the fixer, remember.  I do good not bad.  

I am currently on sabbatical from men because I suck at being in relationships.  I refuse to do it again until I know I can behave like the gown adult that I am. I need to learn boundaries and the word no or even better how about if I just mind my own fuucking business.  There is no need for me to run in and clean up a mess that someone else created.  

Here is the lesson.  These men don’t need me.  They have survived for years before I came along and they will be just fine without me.  In fact all of this bullshit about how badly they need me is just me feeding some vacant hole within myself.  

I want a partner.  I don’t want to be the parent or the fixer or any of that.  I want someone that can love me but also be just fine without me because they have a life and they love themselves.