Grateful 


Guys I have been praying like crazy for God to show me my purpose, to allow me to want what he wants for my life.  I have been wanting this and wanting that. Want want want… 

I was listening to a podcast this morning and something was said and it just hit me.   Maybe God has me on hold because I am not being grateful for and appreciating all the good he has ALLREADY done in my life.  I’m not ready for more good.  I have a lot to learn yet.  I have to learn to be joyful and happy now.  Now with all that I have been blessed with.  Not later… now.   

My life is by no means perfect but it is beautiful. I have a wonderful family and kids. Great friends.  An amazing church.  So many things that I take for granted.  

I’m getting it and that is enough.  A little piece here and little bit there God is showing me, working on me and that is enough. 

Have a great day!!

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A Page from my Journal

I find it really interestesting to go back and read my old journals.  It really helps me to see where I was and what I have improved upon and where I still need to do some work.  Here is my entry from:
December 14, 2016

I have attachment issues? Yes that is a question. I might. I am on a journey. I want to stop focusing so much on happiness and move toward being fulfilled. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. It isn’t something that stays 24 hours a day. Fulfillment though, that can happen.

I say yes a lot when I really mean no. I think this comes from being raised in a home with drinkers. When you are a child and you are also the fixer you become an adult people pleaser. At least I did. What if I started asking myself these two questions. Am I able to? Do I want to? It is ok for me to say no. I am learning.

I have to hold myself accountable for my own fulfillment and focus on what I want and need. I want to be one of those people that doesn’t speak badly to themselves. Talk to yourself like you would a child, they say. It sounds so easy. It is not, trust me. I will work on this.

My house is an absolute cluttered disaster . It’s messy and I can’t seem to keep it clean. Yes I have two kids still at home but they are older and it shouldn’t be like this. I want my home to be a haven for me. A place I want to be because it is so beautiful and relaxing. That sounds so amazing. I am working on this too.

So…that was Dec 14.  Less then a year ago. A couple of things since this that have happened.

I am no longer talking badly or negatively to myself.  I mean it happens unconsciously but I am so much more aware of this.

My cluttered house got a big make over this summer.  I got rid of so many things.  There is still a long way to go but I did make some really good progress!
Happy Tuesday!!

2 Things Thursday


1. Smile Breathe and go slowly – Thich Nhat Hanh 

Great advise.  This is how I am going to go through my day today.

2.  

I am about 93% done with this book and all I can say is run as fast as you can and buy it right now.  I have laughed out loud so hard reading this book.  It is hilarious and tender and smart.   I love love love it with all my heart.

Have a great day!

5 Things Wednesday

1.  Guys, how about if being flawed is wonderfully ok?  Isn’t that at an amazing thing to ponder?  I spend so much time looking at all the ways that I am not perfect but ignore all the wonderful things that I am and that I have accomplished.  I work my tooshy off being a single mom, owning a home, having a job and trying to navigate life.  It’s not easy.  I’m tired but I am also doing it.  It’s not perfect but it’s working out just fine.

2.  Also…do you ever beat yourself up for saying something really stupid?  I do.  Sometimes the craziest shit just spews right off the vocal cords.  I say it and then I am immediately like what the hell is wrong with you?  Where did that dumb shit come from?  Then….I will think about it for a really long time and at the most inappropriate times, like from 3-5am.  Not good.  Then this dawned on me.  Have I ever been around someone else that has had the same problem, where their vocal cords take control and something really dumb comes out?  Yes I have.  Guess what?  How long did I spend thinking about it?  About 15 seconds.  I don’t have time to be thinking about their accidental dumb thing said because I am too busy thinking about my own shit.  So if I am correct here then no one is thinking about the stupid thing I said 3 months ago because they are also thinking about their own shit.  This means that I can stop ruminating about these moments now.  No one cares.  Thank God.

3. Listen to your inner voice.  I hear this a lot.  I read this a lot.  I am not sure I trust my inner voice.  It changes its mind on a dime.  Very frustrating.  This feels right, do this, say this , go here ect…  The next day:  this doesn’t feel right, that was a bad idea, why did you do that?  I am not sure that I am hearing the right inner voice.  How do people know?  Is it my ego?  I can be very impulsive.  I think I have two inner voices, the impulsive one and the real one.  The impulsive one is a pain in my ass.

4. Examine what you tolerate.  I believe that I tolerate a lot.  I can put up with a lot of bullshit for a long time and then bam out of no where one day I will just be like.  DONE.  No warning or anything.  It’s over.  I am not doing this anymore.  This can be excruciating for the other person because they are so used to you being like, “oh, it’s ok that you that you treat me like a piece of shit.  I understand that you are hurting and all of this pain gets projected onto me.  I know you don’t mean it.”  I really do mean these things when I am saying them but really people how much can a person take?  I should be giving them warning right?  “Hey just so you know,  I can take a lot of shit but this thing happens where I will wake up one day and I never no when it will happen and I won’t be able to take your shit anymore.  Just so you know, you have been warned.”  I seriously need help in the relationship area.  It’s catastrophic.

5. What would I like more of?  Peace, contentment and security.  Oh, and a little beauty thrown in every once in awhile.
Have a great day!!

3 Things Monday

1.  I’m a wreck.  I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.  

  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Relationships
  • Work
  • Spiritually

I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.  

2. My mom is sick.  She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.

3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing.  I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be.  For the love of God, this is at the top of the list.  No more saving or trying to fix anyone.  I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.

Happy Eclipse Day!!

Let me fix that

If a man calls you a f***ing slut because you won’t see him anymore it is perfectly fine to cut all ties.

This is something that most all women know but that I am slowly learning at the ripe old age of 45.  When someone says something like that to me these are my first thoughts:

  • He’s just angry he doesn’t mean it
  • You have hurt him, what do you expect?
  • I feel so bad for him

Do you all see anything wrong with those thoughts?  Why am I just not furious?  Why do I feel bad for him?  It’s not normal.

I fall in love with men that “need” me.  They have problems. They have issues. They need me to fix it all and make it better.  You bet your happy ass I go in there on a mission and I will fix it all.  I will give away my time, my love, my money without a second thought.  

They will treat me like shit and I will try harder. I want so badly for them to be happy but their not.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I keep trying and they keep being shitty and then at some point I stop.  I stop caring, giving and loving. 

When I stop they get pissed.  Now I am crazy or I don’t know how to forgive or their must be something wrong with me.  I should feel guilty for being such a massive bitch and leaving this guy and I do.  The guilt is big,  it really kills me.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain.  I am the fixer, remember.  I do good not bad.  

I am currently on sabbatical from men because I suck at being in relationships.  I refuse to do it again until I know I can behave like the gown adult that I am. I need to learn boundaries and the word no or even better how about if I just mind my own fuucking business.  There is no need for me to run in and clean up a mess that someone else created.  

Here is the lesson.  These men don’t need me.  They have survived for years before I came along and they will be just fine without me.  In fact all of this bullshit about how badly they need me is just me feeding some vacant hole within myself.  

I want a partner.  I don’t want to be the parent or the fixer or any of that.  I want someone that can love me but also be just fine without me because they have a life and they love themselves.